When you’ve gone through a lot of physical pain in your life, you eventually become numb to it, even without painkillers and such. Yet the pain of infertility is not just physical, it’s largely emotional as well. Did you know that roughly 40 % of women with endometriosis are infertile? That makes endometriosis one of the top three causes of infertility, according to the Cleveland Clinic. However, there are ongoing researches about the relationship of endometriosis and infertility, and this is a good thing.
I have been aware of this to some extent ever since med school, and I think I prepared myself to accept the probable consequences of my multiple surgeries due to endometriosis. Sam, also, had already been carefully briefed even before we got married. The very first time I was told that I was highly probable to have difficulty getting pregnant, I was 25 years old and just fresh out of medical school. You can imagine how I panicked. I will not go into the details of panicky emotional moments, wrong and hasty decisions, and how many people I’ve hurt in the process, but it did cause a lot of commotion in my life, that was for sure.
When Sam and I got married, contraception was never an option. Fast forward to last year, when Sam and I officially started getting help fertility-wise after my third pelvic surgery. After the 4th cycle, I was drained, both physically and emotionally, and it was only the most basic step in the reproductive treatment plan! So after trips to the specialist, injections, pills- I never did get those two pink lines on the test kit. And kneeling on the bathroom floor in front of the test kit, each time, didn’t help either. The word, “horrible” couldn’t even describe the feeling of waiting for a whole month, for 4 successive months, to get some urine on that stick, only to get a negative test result. “Devastating” would be close, but not quite.
We gave up on the injections and the meds temporarily, well I did. And as a consequence, I had to go through severe pains and bleeding again. As the doctor said, it’s either I get pregnant or stay on medications. Right now, I’m on medication in the meantime, as they’ve found new growths again on my remaining ovary. There are a lot of other options and solutions, I know, we know. We have studied every medical solution to our problem, and by “we” I mean Sam and I have been reading together about it. Sam probably knows more about endometriosis than I do now. And yes, we have considered adoption too. We have taken a lot of fertility advice, even some weird ones. And yes, we followed each instruction to the tee (weird as it may be). We have prayed about it for as long as we have been married and even before we were.
We love kids. I love kids, I really do. I taught preschool in the year after I graduated from college and before I went to med school. I wanted to become a pediatrician. I worked with kids in the slums during my social work days. I dote on my bestfriends’ kids. So, why is this happening to me? I’ve asked that question a million times.
I never got an answer to that question. I’ve formulated possible answers in my head, but that’s just me. And you know what, in this life, maybe I will never get an answer for all the ‘whys” I’ve asked. But by God’s grace, I’ve learned to accept that and be at peace, at least for now. Here’s what I learned in this endless cycle of physical and emotional pain and negative pregnancy tests- I may never know why God intended for it to be this way for me, and for Sam as well; I will never know at this point if we will ever get pregnant sometime in the future, or at least how- like if we would need further medical help in conceiving or something; one thing we know for sure is that GOD’S HAD OUR BEST IN MIND EVERY TIME HE’S SAID “NO” FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS. He is too wise to be mistaken. Maybe He’s reserved us for something different other than raising kids at this time; maybe the kids will come sometime in the near future; or maybe we were never really meant to become parents; or He may still be preparing us, because we simply may not be ready yet. We have come up with a lot of possible explanations, believe me. But we’ve concluded that the best thing to do now, still, is to wait, even if we have to wait forever. I trust that God’s timing and purpose is always perfect. And so I’m waiting for this day to be my day too someday, and I’ve officially called myself a mother-in-waiting. So to us, who are still waiting for that bundle of joy to arrive- Happy Mother-in-waiting Day!
Oh, and you might want to watch this tearjerker of a video too:
Faithful Resilience 
I can certainly relate to that crushing feeling when only 1 pink line instead of 2 appears on that wretched stick, and then the depression that follows when you finally get your period. But then you rally, you pep talk yourself up, telling yourself, that you will not give up, that this cycle will be it. You carefully mark the days that you are most likely to get pregnant. Lovemaking has become purely a science project, devoid of feelings or emotions, thinking it doesn’t matter for as long as it gets the job done. Only to be let down a few days later by that one test that, in spite of all your preparations, you just can’t seem to pass. To add salt to injury, it seems as if everybody else has no trouble getting pregnant, some even get pregnant without meaning to, some even regret it. Hay the woes of the infertile seems to be endless and hopeless.
I had been circling this abyss for quite a long time, more than a decade. But not anymore. You might say I have given up. You may be right, I may have given up. But I’d like to think that I have, rather, come to terms with God, I have accepted that this is how it is supposed to be, we are not to be parents. It was quite a struggle getting to this point especially since there was a lot of pleading and bargaining involved. Just thinking about it, I couldn’t accept this childless fate since like you, I love children, I adore them, and kids seem to like me too. How could God be so cruel, how could he make me beg when there are others out there who keep popping them out that they don’t know what to do with them anymore? But alas, God is not be questioned. I’m not quite sure how I got here, but I know now that this is what has God has planned for me. I’m still not so sure what “this” is but I trust that it’s all good. I must say I feel better than I have been feeling for the past years, cliche at is sounds, I feel as if a weight has been lifted, it truly does. I get an occasional pang every now and then, but I just give it a good cry and just hold on tightly to my faith. What else can you do, right?
I just thought I’d share our struggles with you. You are certainly not alone in this boat. I’m praying for you and your husband. God bless us all. 🙂
Hi Jacque, I’m sorry for all the pain you had to go through too. And thank you for sharing your side of the story. I know it’s not easy. Some of my colleagues in the medical field (some even pediatricians and OB-GYNEs) have had to go through the same bitter journey and I’ve seen how much they struggled. God’s grace is indeed sufficient for us all. Sometimes we don’t understand, and so it is only human for us to ask why. But then we realize that our God is sovereign, He knows what’s best for us. He is too wise to be mistaken. So even though we don’t understand, we trust that He has the best of all intentions. Thank you, again. And may God bless your family abundantly as well. 🙂